I remember being a child and reading about Jesus Christ. I secretly cried sad for his destiny and at the same time I was ashamed because my parents were Communists and religion was not welcome in our home.
I remember being a teenager, going to school and learning about the Orthodox Christianity - the religion of my people. I was teasing the teacher, asking him provocative questions about God and faith - nothing was sacred. I was an atheist living with my aunt and my uncle, who was a sworn Communist and atheist (influenced me as well) in spite of the great come back of religion to our country because of the war and awakened patriotism.
I remember being an adolescent deeply religious, and fearful of hell for my numerous sins. I had nightmares, studied Jung and interpreted myself and my nightmares the best way I could. I organized my own baptism on the 31st of December, 1999, one day before the Doomsday, just in case the if the world would have collapsed the following day....
I remember being 21 -22, the message of my nightmares loud and clear screamed at me: you are the Shadow you had been repressing so hard. I met my evil Twin finally and allowed its existence within my own skin. I stopped pointing fingers at other people embracing my many projections. I lost virginity in an ugly way; one more humiliation and one more reason to stop pointing fingers at others. Very humbling experience.
Around that time, I read "The Power of Now"- wow! On an intuitive level it made so much sense, yet I was not ripe yet to live the powerful message of the power of now.
I remember being 24 and setting off to the new world across the big ocean - the USA. I left my town and the people I knew - If I had known what was in store for me, perhaps I wouldn't have attempted such a journey. Babysitting kids - learning self-control - dealing with crazy parents - 4 different families (one with ocd, another suicidal, the third one alcoholic). Patience, patience, patience...
I remember being 26 and accepted to master's program in communication. What a relief! What an improvement! No more crazy families and babysitting! Great department, great people, great time learning, and learning about social constructivism. Yes, everything seems to be learned; authenticity and spontaneity are hard to find. Your own mother loves you the way she learned how one is supposed to love. Does a baby have a character if there is nobody around it? Who we are in essence? This personality we have is like a clay - when we are born the clay gets formed into a sculpture as the other people touch us, press against us, mold us, scold us, love us...Puzzled. Started revolution with Amy --- Zeitgeist happened. Fell in love for the first time in my life and loved him in spite of his pants and other silly things.
The school was over and I decided to return to my beloved country - recession happened all over the world. I wanted to serve my country - nothing for myself cause I was fulfilled. Medation. Read again "The Power of Now". Felt the presence and vibrating energy around my body. Found a full time job from 7:30 to 4 and tried to fit in. Met Guru. Had spiritual awakening. My parents were afraid I was going nuts. Fortunately for all involved I returned feeling I still didn't find the Holy Grail. Life has no meaning - whatever, it doesn't matter whatever you say - it is just an idea.
Now - working and working on myself. I don't read spiritual books any more, find them unnecessary amusement for the hungry mind, for the ego always in search for something more. There is no more. Life happens. I happen. So what...The end.
Actually I am reading one book by Nisargadatta --- I would warmly recommend it to all spiritual seekers --- "I am that".
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Hi Gordana,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this blog. I will now try to follow it faithfully.
Remember, there is only peace in your heart. The words capture the past, the quiet stillness your future. There is only this moment, now.
Mark
Mark, it is always a pleasure to meet people who are the spiritual seekers:))) Thank you for your comments --- I try to live in the now as much as I can and shut down the voice of my mind --- I imagine it is easier for you now when you are retired --- no more hard mental processing --- just being --- I am all envy:)
ReplyDeleteIf I may give this advice,
ReplyDeleteWait for the next thought, patiently wait for the next thought.
What you may find is no thought comes. This is the quiet stillness of your true nature. This is personality and ego on the sidelines. Live in this moment, and over time you will be living in your true nature, your true nature will become more robust.
As the mind empties of its racing thoughts, it fills with original grace. This is emptiness and mindfuless in the same moment. This is who you are, this is who I am.
I do not believe that this is special or unique in any way. However it is magnificent. Everyday we all operate in this place perhaps when contemplating a landscape, looking into the eyes of our puppy, or listening to the sounds beneath the sounds of nature. We are just not conscious of it anymore.
I wrote a poem in the book called "Too long in Exile" inspired by Van Morrison's song.
The people of the world's original mind has been too long in exile.
Mark
Mark, what do you mean when you say that my nature will become more robust by living in the now?
ReplyDeleteMany are dominated by their egoic personality, living a life in illusion, living there so long that they no longer detect that they are anything else. Detecting true nature is the beginning, whether we remove the illusion or affirm our aliveness. This can come out of a fall or out of contentment. It starts with taking a first step, then taking the next until we follow the path all the way to our destination. It comes in a sudden realization, even if after a long period of time and builds as attention is brought to the years of habits and patterns. Everyday life must still be met head on, back into the world of illusion, but the grace and peace that have been found keep us firmly on track.
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