Spiritual Search

I remember being a child and reading about Jesus Christ. I secretly cried sad for his destiny and at the same time I was ashamed because my parents were Communists and religion was not welcome in our home.

I remember being a teenager, going to school and learning about the Orthodox Christianity - the religion of my people. I was teasing the teacher, asking him provocative questions about God and faith - nothing was sacred. I was an atheist living with my aunt and my uncle, who was a sworn Communist and atheist (influenced me as well) in spite of the great come back of religion to our country because of the war and awakened patriotism.

I remember being an adolescent deeply religious, and fearful of hell for my numerous sins. I had nightmares, studied Jung and interpreted myself and my nightmares the best way I could. I organized my own baptism on the 31st of December, 1999, one day before the Doomsday, just in case the if the world would have collapsed the following day....

I remember being 21 -22, the message of my nightmares loud and clear screamed at me: you are the Shadow you had been repressing so hard. I met my evil Twin finally and allowed its existence within my own skin. I stopped pointing fingers at other people embracing my many projections. I lost virginity in an ugly way; one more humiliation and one more reason to stop pointing fingers at others. Very humbling experience.
Around that time, I read "The Power of Now"- wow! On an intuitive level it made so much sense, yet I was not ripe yet to live the powerful message of the power of now.

I remember being 24 and setting off to the new world across the big ocean - the USA. I left my town and the people I knew - If I had known what was in store for me, perhaps I wouldn't have attempted such a journey. Babysitting kids - learning self-control - dealing with crazy parents - 4 different families (one with ocd, another suicidal, the third one alcoholic). Patience, patience, patience...

I remember being 26 and accepted to master's program in communication. What a relief! What an improvement! No more crazy families and babysitting! Great department, great people, great time learning, and learning about social constructivism. Yes, everything seems to be learned; authenticity and spontaneity are hard to find. Your own mother loves you the way she learned how one is supposed to love. Does a baby have a character if there is nobody around it? Who we are in essence? This personality we have is like a clay - when we are born the clay gets formed into a sculpture as the other people touch us, press against us, mold us, scold us, love us...Puzzled. Started revolution with Amy --- Zeitgeist happened. Fell in love for the first time in my life and loved him in spite of his pants and other silly things.

The school was over and I decided to return to my beloved country - recession happened all over the world. I wanted to serve my country - nothing for myself cause I was fulfilled. Medation. Read again "The Power of Now". Felt the presence and vibrating energy around my body. Found a full time job from 7:30 to 4 and tried to fit in. Met Guru. Had spiritual awakening. My parents were afraid I was going nuts. Fortunately for all involved I returned feeling I still didn't find the Holy Grail. Life has no meaning - whatever, it doesn't matter whatever you say - it is just an idea.

Now - working and working on myself. I don't read spiritual books any more, find them unnecessary amusement for the hungry mind, for the ego always in search for something more. There is no more. Life happens. I happen. So what...The end.

Actually I am reading one book by Nisargadatta --- I would warmly recommend it to all spiritual seekers --- "I am that".