Spiritual Search

I remember being a child and reading about Jesus Christ. I secretly cried sad for his destiny and at the same time I was ashamed because my parents were Communists and religion was not welcome in our home.

I remember being a teenager, going to school and learning about the Orthodox Christianity - the religion of my people. I was teasing the teacher, asking him provocative questions about God and faith - nothing was sacred. I was an atheist living with my aunt and my uncle, who was a sworn Communist and atheist (influenced me as well) in spite of the great come back of religion to our country because of the war and awakened patriotism.

I remember being an adolescent deeply religious, and fearful of hell for my numerous sins. I had nightmares, studied Jung and interpreted myself and my nightmares the best way I could. I organized my own baptism on the 31st of December, 1999, one day before the Doomsday, just in case the if the world would have collapsed the following day....

I remember being 21 -22, the message of my nightmares loud and clear screamed at me: you are the Shadow you had been repressing so hard. I met my evil Twin finally and allowed its existence within my own skin. I stopped pointing fingers at other people embracing my many projections. I lost virginity in an ugly way; one more humiliation and one more reason to stop pointing fingers at others. Very humbling experience.
Around that time, I read "The Power of Now"- wow! On an intuitive level it made so much sense, yet I was not ripe yet to live the powerful message of the power of now.

I remember being 24 and setting off to the new world across the big ocean - the USA. I left my town and the people I knew - If I had known what was in store for me, perhaps I wouldn't have attempted such a journey. Babysitting kids - learning self-control - dealing with crazy parents - 4 different families (one with ocd, another suicidal, the third one alcoholic). Patience, patience, patience...

I remember being 26 and accepted to master's program in communication. What a relief! What an improvement! No more crazy families and babysitting! Great department, great people, great time learning, and learning about social constructivism. Yes, everything seems to be learned; authenticity and spontaneity are hard to find. Your own mother loves you the way she learned how one is supposed to love. Does a baby have a character if there is nobody around it? Who we are in essence? This personality we have is like a clay - when we are born the clay gets formed into a sculpture as the other people touch us, press against us, mold us, scold us, love us...Puzzled. Started revolution with Amy --- Zeitgeist happened. Fell in love for the first time in my life and loved him in spite of his pants and other silly things.

The school was over and I decided to return to my beloved country - recession happened all over the world. I wanted to serve my country - nothing for myself cause I was fulfilled. Medation. Read again "The Power of Now". Felt the presence and vibrating energy around my body. Found a full time job from 7:30 to 4 and tried to fit in. Met Guru. Had spiritual awakening. My parents were afraid I was going nuts. Fortunately for all involved I returned feeling I still didn't find the Holy Grail. Life has no meaning - whatever, it doesn't matter whatever you say - it is just an idea.

Now - working and working on myself. I don't read spiritual books any more, find them unnecessary amusement for the hungry mind, for the ego always in search for something more. There is no more. Life happens. I happen. So what...The end.

Actually I am reading one book by Nisargadatta --- I would warmly recommend it to all spiritual seekers --- "I am that".

Authentic Living

November 5th, 2oo8.

Last night I was writing in my journal about one's deepest need to live authentically from the heart. Authentic living means living your truth, loving and following your own unique path. However, a lot of times people are lost; they don't know what is their calling and purpose on this earth. That is when living becomes hard. You struggle to achieve goals that are not in sync with your true heart's desire. You become like an actor who is desperately trying to live somebody else's life. You build houses, projects and financial empires but all is in vain; nothing makes you joyous, unless, of course, building financial empires is your heart's true desire. When you lose yourself life is not anymore a beautiful game of learning and growing in spirit. It is empty and void of beautiful simplicity of living. But how is one to know all the answers? Sometimes we are faced with several choices and we don't know which road to take.

"Ask you ye shall receive," said Jesus. Any time you are searching for answers, when you don't know what to do, the truth is in your heart. You just need to quiet down and listen to the answers. It is that simple. The hard questions such as where do I want to go from here, and what do I want to do from now on fall naturally to you. I firmly believe that when you find the right answers and discover your passion it is like a powerful wave of energy sweeps the way in front of you and life opens up. Right people come to you, your job becomes an easy song you love to sing and your whole being flourishes while you happily live in sync with your true destiny. Speaking of synchronicity this morning I received an email from EnlightenNext magazine talking about authenticity. Here I will quote the exact lines:

All of those for whom authentic transformation has deeply unseated their souls must, I believe, wrestle with the profound moral obligation to shout from the heart—perhaps quietly and gently, with tears of reluctance; perhaps with fierce fire and angry wisdom; perhaps with slow and careful analysis; perhaps by unshakable public example—but authenticity always and absolutely carries a demand and duty: you must speak out, to the best of your ability, and shake the spiritual tree, and shine your headlights into the eyes of the complacent. You must let that radical realization rumble through your veins and rattle those around you.